My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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