It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
