speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
