I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
