It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
