i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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