Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
