Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I bet he comes in French.
even my farts smell like vagina
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
