Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
