I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
