I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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