no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
