Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
