I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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