i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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