Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
and you fell through a lawn chair
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
