Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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