I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
