What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
