I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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