I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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