I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize