I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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