He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
