Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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