I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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