my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
