My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
