My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
