I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
