you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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