just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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