I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
