She's JV to your varsity
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
