So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm bleeding and have questions
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
