just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
