I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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