If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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