Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
