Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
