he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
