I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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