there's paper in my vomit.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
