Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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