i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
