I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
