I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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