you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
