I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
