It's like God shit irony all over that family
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
