Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
