VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
