Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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