her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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