can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
