dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
