I think I died a long time ago.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
