My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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