omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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