I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
